Shallvay

“Shallvay!” Dieter called.

Shallvay did not answer. Dieter had been trying all morning to reach her, but as of yet he had been unsuccessful. At daybreak she had run off to fetch the enamel filament from the local dealer, but as the sun reached it pinnacle she was nowhere to be found.

This was not the first time that she had wandered off.

Only four years earlier she had gone off to the cow parts market, but never arrived. She had hit her head on the road and in her haze was convinced by a group of wily youngsters that she was “Smapty”, the town prostitute. Dieter had found her later that night, but by that time the boys had no quarters left.

After that Dieter had been more careful about where Shallvay went.

Dieter led a dangerous life, the pick pocketing, racketeering, sheep pimping, ect, but he was careful never to involve Shallvay in any of it. When he first saw her, he knew he loved her. She sat in the local tavern, dress soiled with mud, sweat and god knows what else and as her eyes rolled back in her head and the beads of saliva coming out of her mouth multiplied, Dieter knew he had met his woman. They immediately began a torrid affair, one that was often marred by Shallvay’s rampant stupidity.

When dieter first brought up the subject of sex to Shallvay, she somehow confused what he was saying with a request for Mexican food.

Needless to say the town would never forget the “taquito incident”.

At the occasion of Dieters mothers eighty-fifth birthday party, Shallvay had presented Mrs. Dieter with the severed head of her late husband Hansel, sealed in a glass jar filled with split pea soup.

Everyone at the party marveled at the amount of vomit an eighty-five year old woman could produce.

And the incident at the carnival had become the stuff of legend, and if you brought it up in front of Dieter he would still get mad that the sheriff had confiscated all his Vaseline jars.

None of this was on Dieters mind at the moment. He was still calling for Shallvay. He had now ventured over a mile down the road. As he looked back and saw the dust of an approaching carriage he cursed himself for giving his pants to that beggar a half-mile back. And as a cold autumn breeze came across him he double cursed himself for forgetting to wear underwear today.

The carriage approached and as it reached him the curtain went up on the door and out peeked Mrs. Populment, the frightfully obese cook. The carriage did not stop, but as it passed she popped her head out the door and spoke to Dieter.
“Pears and grapes do not you own,
through your pants you hadn’t sewn,
Down the bend and back again,
Hello Mr. Happy, my little friend.”

And with that she continued on her way.

Dieter walked to a puddle on the side of the road and packed mud around his midsection. As he started to walk the mud fell off or fell into the crack of his ass. He silently yelled at every cartoon he had ever watched.

As he walked down the road in his nightshirt, no pants, and brown crap dripping around his waist he was a sorry sight. Around Suntbrick road he heard a strange noise coming from the wood. He peered in he saw Shallvay doing something to a bear that would make Jesus vomit out his nose. Dieter quickly ran over and broke it up. “What the hell are you doing?” he yelled at Shallvay.

“I thought he was you,” she pleaded.

Dieter turned to the bear. “What do you have to say for yourself?” Dieter asked.

“When I reach in for honey, bee’s sting my paw,” the bear responded.

“Is that all you can say to defend yourself!” Dieter yelled. The bear pondered this for a moment then spoke.

“When my bottom itches, I rub it against the bark of a tree.”

“Damn you bear!” Dieter screamed as he led Shallvay out of the wood. “Damn you to hell.”

The bear shrugged, bent over and started rubbing his butt against an oak.

Fun for all!

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

My completely useless skills

ok, so i am not lying here. I can connect any actor to Lord of the Rings or Star Trek via another actor in five steps or less. I am the ultimate nerd obviously. An example would be, Mr. Roper aka Norman Fell. Here is how it works:

Norman Fell was in THE GRADUATE with Dustin Hoffman who was in SPHERE with Samuel L Jackson who was in STAR WARS EPISODE 2 with Christopher Lee who played Saruman in LORD OF THE RINGS.

What about Star Trek you say? I can go through Lord Of the Rings to get there.

Norman Fell was in BULLIT with Robert Duvall who was in DEEP IMPACT with Elijah Wood who was in LORD OF THE RINGS with Orlando Bloom who was in KINGDOM OF HEAVEN with Alexander Siddig of STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE.

What do i do with this "skill"? Is it taking up brain capacity that could be used to help cure diseases or solve energy problems? Much like Spiderman;s ablilities i find it to be a curse and a gift.

Please note i never use the internet. When i do this it is at the moment. Often without prompting. Oh god...

Anyway, I challenge anyone to stump mel. Leave a name in the comments section and i will do the connectionl.

A History of Bad Cinema Volume 4: If Looks Could Kill

Look at the picture to the left. Lets count how many things are wrong with it.

1. First off, what the hell is wrong with Richard Grieco's face? Is just me or does he look like he should be on Fraggle Rock? There is an unnatural softness to it. Plus it is oddly shiny, not Renee Zellwegger shiny mind you, but I don't like weird shine. It makes me question a persons character.

2. Despite looking as good as he did from any point during the period covering 1985 - 1999, Roger Daltry still looks ridiculous. If at any point in your professional life you have worn a suede vest with fringe and no shirt underneath, you cannot try and play tough by posing with a gun. Sorry it can't happen. I understand Roger has tried to be an actor since the Who have not been viable in any form since 1979, and I say that as a huge Who fan, but can't he just live in the English countryside and stopping trying to act?

(side note: it's weird that both the Who and David Bowie had their last great triumphs in 1979. Have two huge acts like those two ever just stopped being good at the same time like they did? Maybe Keith Moon was as invaluable as everyone assumed. (side side note: don't get on my case about Bowie or bring up Let's Dance. That doesn't fly with me.))

3. Back to Grieco. You are supposed to be a bad ass. Stop smiling like you just got your tummy rubbed by your mommy. I can't believe so many people had their money on this guy in the 'Who will be the biggest start to come out of 21 Jump Street' sweepstakes. How were so many people so wrong? Its like the time I traded a Ken Griffey Jr. Upper Deck rookie card for a Dwight Smith rookie card. I apologize to non baseball fans for that, but trust me it was stupid.

4. It looks like Daltry is about to shoot Grieco in the head. Actually I like that part of the picture.

I only saw this movie once, when it came out in the theater. I don't have any desire to ever see it again. I honestly don't remember much about it other than a lot of shooting at a castle with high school kids. I think the lady who played Fraiser's wife on Cheers was in it too.

But this piece of Bad Cinema holds a special place in my heart. It is the first film I honestly remember thinking, 'wow that was bad'. I was taken to the movie by a babysitter who lived with us for 7 months (don't ask) and I think she was bored. The movie started late, and when I inquired as to why she said "maybe the projectionist is getting laid". I had no idea what that meant, assuming it was code for falling asleep or something.

Up to that point I had seem plenty of movies in the theater and had only had one bad experience: A Fish Called Wanda (Lets just say as a seven yearold, the killing of one dog in a movie was enough to send me running from the theater in tears. It happened 3 times in Fish) So something that was just bad was a new experience to me. It made me not want to see bad movies and therefore read reviews and become educated about what I was going to see. So in a way this piece of shit was what made me love movies. I doubt many people can say that about anything staring the Grieco.

Los Angeles Times film Critic Kenneth Turan (high on mushrooms) discusses film and other things with a 17 foot, honey crazed bear

Kenneth Turan is one of the most respected film critics in the country. A veteran of the Los Angeles times he wields considerable power with his well written reviews.

Tim Tam is a abnormally large bear who loves honey and possesses the ability to speak passable English.

Preserved here for history's sake is a conversation two that took place not to long ago as the two of them wandered the forest, Turan tripping on mushrooms, Tim Tam searching for honey.

TURAN (Whispering): Tim Tam, you remind me of a childhood teddy bear of mine. I would dress Mr. Rumples in army fatigues and fight bear wars. In my mind Mr. Rumples spoke like Charlton Heston and possessed the ability to strike fear into the hearts of others with a glance. At least I think it was in my mind. Reality is very tenuous some times. Much like in the Matrix quadrilogy when Ted is told by Ike Turner that the world isn't real. I feel like that all the time!

TIM TAM: Honey tastes good in my belly.

TURAN: I like that bear in Star Wars. Chewmacca. That's his name right? He had the bandoleer of gum drops and growled all his words like Lauren Bacall. He seemed so powerful and comforting. I bet he was a gentle and considerate lover. I can almost feel those strong arms wrapped around my naked body, him growling sweet nothings into my ear. Oh how I would laugh with joy, and return his affections ten fold. I will say this only once: If I had to make love to a big screen bear, it would be Chewmacca. If possible I would have his half bear child.

TIM TAM: I like fish, but if I am made to choose, I will always choose honey.

TURAN: Fish. (Groaning with pleasure) Oooh I love fish. I would never put this in print, but for my money the most amazing performance by a human animal on film was Don Knotts in the Incredible Mister Limpet. That film tore my heart asunder. It was the Schindlers List of its day. Imagine Tim Tam, the pain and anguish of turning into a fish and having to work for the navy. A similar fate befell my uncle, except he turned into a vicotin addict instead of a fish. But he did work with sailors in a manor of speaking.

TIM TAM: When getting honey you get stung, but my hide is strong. For fish you must go into the water and it chills me to the bone.

TURAN: Water is the stuff of my life. You know? Have you seen the movie Like Water for Cocoa? Its about a naked cowgirl who escapes from a pirate Johnny Depp? It was horrible. Don't get me wrong Tim Tam, the special effects were amazing. For example the scene where Esmerelda, who of course was the always naked cowgirl, has to outrun a stampede of rampaging Sauropods on her vespa while her six armed monkey sidekick sword fights with Johnny Depp. The detail on the monkey fur blew my mind Tim Tam. IT BLEW MY MIND!

(Tim Tam runs off towards a flock of geese. Turan does not notice)

But it just seemed like I had seen that sequence shot for shot in so many other movies. I will give them credit for the originality of the double squirreled smack flap scene. The way the camera followed Esmerelda at ankle level as she transversed the valley of angry gnomes was ingenious.

TIM TAM (Returning covered in goose feathers): Once I have gotten honey from a hive, I will always urinate on the tree so that others know it is mine. It is the way of the bear.

TURAN: Nicholas Cage urinated on me once. It was at a press junket for Snake Eyes. I know what you are thinking, and no it was not a golden shower type situation. I think he just needed to go and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was pretty humiliating, but I must admit that his urine did have a pleasant smell to it, like pretzels mixed with candy corn. Not as nice as Martin Landau's urine, but lets face it who's is? But i guess Nic Cage can do what he wants, after all he is famous for his urination scenes in movies. I just saw World Trade Center and the way he uses pee to express the tragedy of that day is poetry.

TIM TAM: Ride me as you would a horse Turan and together we will find honey.

TURAN (getting on Tim Tam's back): Oh I do love a good ride. Just like that scene in The Godfather Part 5 when zombie Fredo summons the power of Zeltor the Destroyer and together they ride to Corleone Castle to avenge the defeat of the Nine Armies. Hi ho Tim Tam!

Together they ride off into the sunset.

Where the Hell Have I Been?

Ugh. Sorry about the long silence. It's been busy of late, veering into the category of 'crazy'. I got married, left the country, came back and then went bi-coastal for a little while. For proof check out the honeymoon photo (faces redacted to protect my identity and the identity of Mrs. Twittlebotton). What little time i have had to write has been in the service of Tuning Fork. But i am back with some quick hits of movies i have watched lately. And look forward to more frequent updates now that i have some cash and the need to shop.

MUNICH: People love to hate on Spielberg, but i thought this was a decent effort, better than anything he has done since Minority Report (an underappreciated Sci-Fi bonaza if ever there was one). Beautifully photographed, the film contains another great performance by Eric Bana, an under the radar favorite of mine. Check out his breakdown when his little girl gets on the phone with him. Also of note is the new James Bond, Daniel Craig. If nothing else he is engaging anytime he is on screen, which i suppose Bond needs to be.

As has been well documented, the last few minutes are badly handled. Has anyone else noticed Steven can't end movies anymore? Don't even get me started on the end of War of the Worlds. But Munich is a solid B.

CHRONICLES OF NARNIA - Ok, i watched this after avoiding it in theaters because it had done so well and so many people said that since i loved Lord of the Rings i would dig this.

What a total piece of shit. I mean this movie was HORRIBLE. I was bored, then angry at the poor set and character design, then bored again. Next came a long period of looking at the clock wondering when it was over and then joy as the movie wrapped up. The children in this movie were horrible, the 'plot' meandering. I never believed the reality of this fantasy world. At least try to be convincing. It is obvious that some of the people who worked on this come from an animation background. Beauty without context does not do it for me. I must believe that the only reason that this film made so much money was that it was a good way for parents to quiet their kids for two hours.

And what the fuck was up with Santa Claus?

RAN - Finally bought the Kurasawa masterpiece on dvd. If you havent seen it go get it, cause you will rarely see a director working at such a high level so late into their career. A retelling of King Lear in fuedal Japan, this film even more than Kagemusha showcases the director using color the most brilliant way possible. From the color coded armies to the rolling green hills and the fortress in flames, Kurasawa contructed a film on par with any of his earlier work.

SUPERMAN RETURNS - I went to the theater. Hooray!

I loved this movie. I am not a comic book fanatic so I was allowed to let this movie come to me on its own terms. I also did not have any real fondness for the Donner original. I always thought the set up for that film (Brando on Krypton, Clark growing up in Smallville) was better than the rest. So I was delighted by Bryan Singer's film. As usual it looked beautiful, with any number of images being better than the entire running time of X:3. Brandon Routh did a nice Christopher Reeve impression and Spacey was nice as a very menacing Lex Luthor. One gripe and one more piece of praise:

Kate Bosworth was not bad, but was surely the weak link here. I didn't care for her and she was too young to be Lois Lane.

Singer inserted a kid into the movie. Don't read further if you don't want a SPOILER. ok. The kid has powers like his dad. He uses them halfway through the film. It works. I totally dreaded that the kid would save the day in the end. But nothing happens. Most directors would show off these powers again and maybe even a third time. Singer knows that doesn't service the story and keeps the kid tamed. Great choice.

I am going to go see this again in IMAX 3-d just for the plane-shuttle sequence alone.

THE SHAGGY DOG - I saw it on a plane. I needed something to distract myself from the turbulence. Lets end this right here

Third time is no charm

As I sat in the theater last weekend watching X-Men: The Last Stand, two things came to mind:

1. Superman Returns will have to make me crap my pants if I am ever to forgive Bryan Singer for abandoning this trilogy and leaving it in such dismal shape.

2. Why does the third movie in a trilogy always betray characters by dumbing them down?

The first thought I could go on about forever. But enough has been said about the awfulness of the film. But I have been thinking a lot about the second thing. In the third X-Men movie some of the main characters experience this de-coolification. Professor X goes from being an understanding chap to a rude and abrupt asshole who seems to hate Wolverine all the sudden. Magneto betrays his character completely by abandoning Mystique without a moments hesitation.

What the hell?

In X2 Magneto and Mystique are as close as an elderly gay mutant and scaly shape shifter can be. And then all the sudden because she is no longer the same as he, its over? What a load of crap.

Ugh and Wolverine. The line "Re-grow those," took him down about 7 notches.

So in this spirit here are some other characters who suffer in the third chapter of a trilogy.

MARCUS BRODY & SALAH - INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE: Remember how Brody was a smart and capable man in Raiders of the Lost Ark? And how Salah was resourceful and a key ally in the same film? Well apparently the screenwriters forgot all of this when the third film came around. Brody must have developed a neurological disorder because there is no way he is smart enough to be a professor of antiquities. To watch him bumble around like a helpless infant is sad. If you were lucky enough to get Denholm Elliot in your film, why waste him? Same goes for Salah. Here he is a stereotype, a raving man scared of the littlest thing. What a waste.

HAN SOLO IN RETURN OF THE JEDI - Wait I am seeing a pattern here. Stupid George Lucas.

I guess this one was inevitable. Han didn't give a shit for two movies, what with shooting Greedo and taking the Millennium Falcon on spin through the asteroid field. Jabba must have injected him with wimp juice while in the carbonite, cause suddenly Han cares and is not better off for it. Harrison Ford wanted Solo to die in this movie as he felt it the next logical step. I couldn't agree more.

EVERY CHARACTER IN THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - Still trying to figure this one out.

DR. MCCOY IN STAR TREK 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK: A shocking transformation here. The beloved ships doctor is suddenly and inexplicably a make-up wearing gay man. Watch an early scene in a bar and be baffled and shocked as Bones tries to pick up on a male alien and then becomes enraged when his advances are spurned. I wouldn't have minded this if Bones had been gay all along, but he is for 1/2 a film and then never again in the series. Very confusing.

MICHAEL CORLEONE IN THE GODFATHER PART 3: Not much Pacino could have done here. A lot of it has to do with the fact that having Robert Duvall and James Caan next to you makes you seem cooler than George Hamilton. Its a simple fact.

There are notable exceptions. Aragorn became cooler in part three (but the text was written as one so it kind of doesn't count), Bruce Willis was the same as ever in Die Hard With a Vengeance. Even Lucas improved his characters in Revenge of the Sith, although it should be pointed out there was nowhere to go but up. Lets just say that if Peter Parker cries all the time and starts collecting stamps in Spider Man 3, I am going to be pissed.