Los Angeles Times film Critic Kenneth Turan (high on mushrooms) discusses film and other things with a 17 foot, honey crazed bear

Kenneth Turan is one of the most respected film critics in the country. A veteran of the Los Angeles times he wields considerable power with his well written reviews.

Tim Tam is a abnormally large bear who loves honey and possesses the ability to speak passable English.

Preserved here for history's sake is a conversation two that took place not to long ago as the two of them wandered the forest, Turan tripping on mushrooms, Tim Tam searching for honey.

TURAN (Whispering): Tim Tam, you remind me of a childhood teddy bear of mine. I would dress Mr. Rumples in army fatigues and fight bear wars. In my mind Mr. Rumples spoke like Charlton Heston and possessed the ability to strike fear into the hearts of others with a glance. At least I think it was in my mind. Reality is very tenuous some times. Much like in the Matrix quadrilogy when Ted is told by Ike Turner that the world isn't real. I feel like that all the time!

TIM TAM: Honey tastes good in my belly.

TURAN: I like that bear in Star Wars. Chewmacca. That's his name right? He had the bandoleer of gum drops and growled all his words like Lauren Bacall. He seemed so powerful and comforting. I bet he was a gentle and considerate lover. I can almost feel those strong arms wrapped around my naked body, him growling sweet nothings into my ear. Oh how I would laugh with joy, and return his affections ten fold. I will say this only once: If I had to make love to a big screen bear, it would be Chewmacca. If possible I would have his half bear child.

TIM TAM: I like fish, but if I am made to choose, I will always choose honey.

TURAN: Fish. (Groaning with pleasure) Oooh I love fish. I would never put this in print, but for my money the most amazing performance by a human animal on film was Don Knotts in the Incredible Mister Limpet. That film tore my heart asunder. It was the Schindlers List of its day. Imagine Tim Tam, the pain and anguish of turning into a fish and having to work for the navy. A similar fate befell my uncle, except he turned into a vicotin addict instead of a fish. But he did work with sailors in a manor of speaking.

TIM TAM: When getting honey you get stung, but my hide is strong. For fish you must go into the water and it chills me to the bone.

TURAN: Water is the stuff of my life. You know? Have you seen the movie Like Water for Cocoa? Its about a naked cowgirl who escapes from a pirate Johnny Depp? It was horrible. Don't get me wrong Tim Tam, the special effects were amazing. For example the scene where Esmerelda, who of course was the always naked cowgirl, has to outrun a stampede of rampaging Sauropods on her vespa while her six armed monkey sidekick sword fights with Johnny Depp. The detail on the monkey fur blew my mind Tim Tam. IT BLEW MY MIND!

(Tim Tam runs off towards a flock of geese. Turan does not notice)

But it just seemed like I had seen that sequence shot for shot in so many other movies. I will give them credit for the originality of the double squirreled smack flap scene. The way the camera followed Esmerelda at ankle level as she transversed the valley of angry gnomes was ingenious.

TIM TAM (Returning covered in goose feathers): Once I have gotten honey from a hive, I will always urinate on the tree so that others know it is mine. It is the way of the bear.

TURAN: Nicholas Cage urinated on me once. It was at a press junket for Snake Eyes. I know what you are thinking, and no it was not a golden shower type situation. I think he just needed to go and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was pretty humiliating, but I must admit that his urine did have a pleasant smell to it, like pretzels mixed with candy corn. Not as nice as Martin Landau's urine, but lets face it who's is? But i guess Nic Cage can do what he wants, after all he is famous for his urination scenes in movies. I just saw World Trade Center and the way he uses pee to express the tragedy of that day is poetry.

TIM TAM: Ride me as you would a horse Turan and together we will find honey.

TURAN (getting on Tim Tam's back): Oh I do love a good ride. Just like that scene in The Godfather Part 5 when zombie Fredo summons the power of Zeltor the Destroyer and together they ride to Corleone Castle to avenge the defeat of the Nine Armies. Hi ho Tim Tam!

Together they ride off into the sunset.